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09 August 2008 @ 04:51 pm
Black and Red, Brown and Gold  
Title: Black and Red, Brown and Gold
Author: nightr0se
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: Edward's disjointed musings in a world where the only colors left beside the pain are black and red, brown and gold.

Because you are my one…
And…

Only…
Without you my love
My


Heart’s…
So lonely
Lonely

Lonely

Lonely…

I remember a time that wasn’t like this I used to know something else I’m certain of it
There was a time when my thoughts ran in lines
Not circles
There was a time beyond nonsense and daydreams a time without pain a time as different from this one as
Apples and oranges
Red and blue
Light and darkness
Me and you…
You
You are the only thing I remember my love you
You and no one else are in my thoughts
In my mind
You my love you my heart you my light you my life
I live for and in memories and all of them are of you I can see them now there are two paths before me and their names are
Right
And
Wrong

They are deceptive- evil always is it sugarcoats its lies it seems to be the only option but there is another if only I can be

Strong
Enough
To take it
But it’s hard, my love it’s so so hard I don’t know if I can
I don’t know if I’m strong enough
Forgive me my weakness but I don’t know why without you it’s hard to survive
I was always
Musical
And yet
It all meant nothing until I met you…
Shall I tell you of the deceptions, love? Of the sweet face wickedness wears as it begs for me to betray all that is right? Shall I?
I must, I think. I have no choice, I think
This is what it looks to me, as I crouch in the darkness. As if borrowing the power of the sister I only half remember beyond the vast haze of the agony, I can see the future stretch out before me
But not one road presents itself
There are two, twins
One light and one dark
But which is which, my love?
Which is which? Tell me, love. I don’t know the difference…
Not
Anymore.

See, over here. Tell me, how can this be good? How can this be right? I see it, I see it, yet it brings me no joy
Only
Agony
At the mere contemplation
Pain, my love. So much of it.
The world is
Pain.
Yes, this is what I see.
I see the life I live now.
And nothing more
And nothing less.
All I see is darkness
How can that be right?
My love?
How can it be that I am meant to spend forever in a world with but two colors?
Black
And red.
Black, the night, the eternal nothingness of my soul that is not, of my heart that I left when I left you, of my mind that knows but one thought and that thought is pain
Red, the color of the blood that sings my name but I don’t even notice, blood that is no longer even a distraction from the agony, red, the color of the hair of the enemy I will destroy, red, the color of pain.
How can this be good? How can decency compel me to take this empty path? Where is heaven here, my love? Where is God’s good hand in this hell?

There is another path, a voice calls to me in the darkness
Another path entirely
No, there is no wider range of color here
No rainbow
Yet I do not need it
I see the only thing I’ve ever wanted
A plentitude of images, if not hues
All I need is here
All I want is here
See them spin before my oppressed eyes, faster and faster, till I can scarcely register them all

There you are, my love. So, so beautiful… that’s a wedding dress, my love
I can see your brown hair cascading down it, I can see the thin gold fabric covering your perfect and so beloved face
I can see the golden skirt gather and fall to the ground
I can see the golden ring shining on your hand- it’s my mother’s ring, my human mother’s, and I gave it to you
Not a sacrifice. Nothing I give you is. It’s a joy
An honor
My love.

Another picture now. Your dress changes, shifts into simple clothing. I don’t notice it
Only one thing is important
I drown in the
Perfection
Of your eyes
Endless, endless brown
Warmth, surrounding my cold body
This corpse-man incased in it, brought in, warmed by your gracious mercy
By the sweet and beautiful brown

Switch, disappear, the image zooms down, from your eyes to… ah, love. Is it shameful, to admit this?
No, it isn’t

Not for

Me.

Because this is a man’s desire
And not a monster’s.
I see you now, my love, not in the bride’s finery
Or in the simple dress of our every-day togetherness

Love, your clothing falls away
All of it

I have seen the Denali coven
Those vaunted temptresses
In all their lusty fervor
They

Do not compare
To how beautiful
You are to me, my love, standing like this
I want you.
I want you.

How can this be the images of the devil, if they show me heaven? The other is hell, the world empty of you. That is the Inferno, my dearest.
The world empty of you
Yet…

Another picture
You lie
On your back
Brown hair falling to your waist
Gold ring, twinkling on your hand
Brown eyes, open… but empty

Red blood, one drop
On your neck
The rest is
Gone

I taste it, almost


This is the devil’s doing, this temptation. It is not what is right
It shows me
What I want
Not what I should do…
What I should do is stay here…

In the darkness

Alone

Forever

You are the only thing that gives me the strength to do it

To live in this sad empty lonely world
Where the only colors
Dimmed by pain
But still bright enough to mock me
Are

Black and Red

And Brown and Gold